My Eulogy for Our Servant-Hearted Mother

ROMANS 12:12: Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

This sums up our mom.

Her secret was simple. On her worst days she prayed, and on her best days she prayed.

She trusted the Lord completely and absolutely never spoke against God or showed any anger toward Him. At all times, she kept the faith. Even when she was struggling against the ugliness of cancer and how it was depriving her of her energy and her physical strength, she stood in faith. She said to us: “God’s will be done. He knows what’s best for me.”

When Daddy died in 2019, while we were gathered at the hospital and then at the funeral home, despite our sadness and tears, Mom stressed to us, “Your dad had so many health issues that there were many, many possibilities of how he could’ve passed away, but God chose for him the most merciful way. He simply slipped away while he was resting.” Our mom had faith like that.

Our mom taught us that wrong is wrong even if EVERYONE is doing it and right is right even if NO ONE is doing it. Our mom was courageous; our mom was wise. She grounded us, she helped us to focus, she inspired us. Personally speaking, during the bad times of my life and the joyous times in my life, she walked with me or guided me along the path when I had to walk the path alone. She taught me life lessons and helped me to heal and to navigate through challenges and difficulties.

Our mom, through her strong and faithful presence, anchored all of us and reminded us often that we are loved. She was our cheerleader. She showed us that even when we were facing despair that there is a brighter tomorrow. That’s what she did–even when her own heart was breaking due to a diagnosis of leukemia, she was grateful for the opportunity to press on. She persevered. She was a mountain of strength and faith and service.

Our mom absolutely believed what Scripture says. Most of all, she knew in her heart that God will always provide, and in one way or another, He always did, but perhaps not in the way we had pictured it. Our mom had tremendous faith like that! Every decision Mom made was in check with the teachings of the church. In all ways, our mom was living a Christ-centered life, and she had wisdom and clarity when making those decisions, whatever they were.

Praying and reading the Bible and her daily devotionals was a routine for her. Toward the last days after her diagnosis, every text she received with a devotional attached would ring like a church bell on her phone, and I would tease her that Jesus was calling. Jesus called our mom a lot in those last days, and she was always eager to listen to what He had to say.

Our mother was a grateful woman. She taught us all to appreciate the good things AND the bad things–even the struggles in our lives because those struggles molded us into the people we have become. When we complained that situations were not ideal, she would point out that “it could’ve been worse.” If I had a dollar for every time I heard “it could’ve been worse”, I’m pretty sure I would be rich. Really rich.

Mom lived a simple life and she never wanted it any other way. In her eyes, she lacked for nothing. Her true loves were spending time with her family, enjoying “Sister Day” with her sisters, cooking and baking for others, sewing, gardening, serving the less fortunate through her volunteer work with the Food Pantry, watching her kids and grandchildren in their school activities, and loving and taking care of Daddy. She was so dedicated to our Dad. Although Mom may not have even desired to watch professional sports on TV, she watched all sports with Dad, especially after he suffered his stroke and had a harder time keeping up with it. Mom even watched his “wrasslin'” shows with him although she found it less enjoyable than my dad did…if it pleased Dad to watch it, she would watch it too. She was self-sacrificing like that. My poor mom…she was 80 years old before she could use the TV remote or touch the thermostat. That was Daddy’s kingdom and she let him rule it as long as he lived. She was so selfless in all she did.

While Mom never desired more than the simple life, she still maintained higher standards than most. She had higher standards for her spiritual life, her work ethic, her kindheartedness, her housekeeping, her financial integrity, her life in general. I only hope to be like her someday.

The last two weeks have been an absolute whirlwind that have changed us forever. Mom said she started aching a few months ago but it didn’t bother her enough to see the doctor. She just blamed it on old age. When we came home for Easter, she looked a little thinner and a little tired, but she was still the same Ethel. She finally felt bad enough on April 25 to visit the doctor, and when her blood work came back, she was immediately referred to a hematologist. We visited the hematologist on April 29, and she was diagnosed with acute myeloid leukemia on May 2. Two days later, she became so weak and fatigued that she would barely get out of her chair, and then on May 10, the bottom fell out and we took her to the ER in Dimmitt, who then transferred her to Covenant in Lubbock by ambulance. She just could not breathe. Mom told me that day that she was praying the good Lord would take her home soon. God made her wait a few days, however, and after fighting the horrid fight of cancer, she joined Jesus and Dad in Heaven on May 14 just after noon, about 14 hours after Jeff had arrived in Lubbock from a business trip in Chicago. Isn’t that just like Ethel? She kept the diagnosis, the decline of her health, and her passing on a very short timeline because she didn’t want to inconvenience anyone. Just as she taught us lessons in living, she provided more lessons in dying.

We are grateful to the medical doctors, caring nurses and staff at Plains Memorial Hospital in Dimmitt, and we are grateful to the medical doctors and the wonderful, compassionate nurses at Covenant in Lubbock. I feel sure that the Schmucker family overwhelmed the staff at Covenant, but they were so accommodating to us. There were so many of us there that we should now have a waiting room restroom with our name on it on Floor 7, East wing—NOT due to the money we gave them, but by the number of times a Schmucker family member visited it in the few days that we were there.

I will miss my mom. I will miss many things about her. I will miss her wisdom in life experiences and relationships. I will miss my mom’s faith, her competitive spirit in card games, her positivity in the bleakest of situations. Her strength. Her generosity. Her kindness. Her servant heart. But of all the things that I will miss about my mom, I will miss her hands because she truly had the hands of Jesus. My mom’s hands were the hands that lovingly stitched our first communion dresses, our prom dresses, our wedding dresses, the t-shirt quilts for all her grandchildren. Those same hands baked the most beautiful and delicious cherry pies and lemon meringue pies, cinnamon rolls, lemon bars, zucchini bread. Those hands wiped tears during our struggles with relationships, jobs, children, finances…Those hands held our babies, fed them bottles, put them to sleep. Those hands grew peonies and daisies and asparagus and tomatoes and green beans. The care with which she tended her gardens was a beautiful testament of how she also tended to the needs of others. My mom was the master gardener of people. She planted and cultivated love, faith, service, and community…

She was so appreciative of her community. She loved this place and her people. She was most grateful for the opportunity to serve alongside her friends and neighbors in Nazareth, Hart, and Dimmitt. Thank you for showering her—and us—with love and support and friendships for many years, and even more so in the last two weeks.

I recently attended a funeral in which the pastor said: “Inheritance is what you leave to someone; legacy is what you leave IN someone.” It is our hope and our prayer that the legacy of Ethel Schmucker—at least a little of it–is left in our families and our community for a long, long time. Thank you for blessing her with your friendship.

COMMUNITY > COVID-19

Please, just please allow me to rant for a minute.  Or two.  Or really, since I am “social distancing” now, and since I’m doing a dang fine job of it, I really have all the time in the world.  But back to my rant.

As I write this, there have been two confirmed cases of coronavirus in tiny Nazareth, Texas, my beloved hometown.  Three more local people are in the hospital and have been tested for COVID-19, but those tests have not been confirmed yet.

As with most things that are posted on social media, a plethora of residents and former residents of my hometown–me included–posted concerns about the pandemic to hit our small town, asking for prayers for those infected already, for their families, for those who are quarantined, for those who may be infected but not yet diagnosed.  And already the haters (who are NOT residents and may not even have a grasp of what rural communities are) have taken to social media to chastise the residents of Nazareth for supporting their school, their church, their athletes, their stock show participants, etc., by traveling out of town to watch their kids, their grandkids, their nieces, their nephews, and their hometown students in their many school- and/or church-related activities.  REALLLLLLLY?  Who among the haters would NOT have gone to support their own kids in a regional or state basketball tournament?  At a county stock show? At the end of a  spiritual retreat?  At a regular family gathering? Keep in mind that these events took place before the social distancing restrictions were required.  The social distancing was SUGGESTED, but not required…..Still, I ask:  who would have stayed at home if a family member of theirs had been participating in these events?

I know, I know…..I try not to get worked about it.  In my line of work, the haters always outnumber the supporters–that’s how social media works.  If the Nazareth lifestyle and sense of community bothers you so much, why do you even bother to concern yourself with the coronavirus pandemic?  Judge much?

While we may never know from what or from where or from whom the COVID-19 germs were derived, the residents of Nazareth are now very mindful of the situation and are self-isolating.  And because we are a COMMUNITY, we are praying for each other instead of admonishing each other.

Maybe the haters should try that, too?

My Eulogy for “Big Hands” Dan

You know, my dad was an awesome man. Not only was he a good father/grandfather/farmer/county commissioner, he was a family man who inspired his children to get up, to dress up, to SHOW UP, to do your best, to be supportive, and never quit.  My dad was humble, he was funny, and he was kind.  However, Dan Schmucker was not particularly talkative.  He wasn’t much of a communicator.  He was NOT a patient man. He could be more than a tad bit stubborn. He usually wasn’t overly complimentary although he did have his moments….  Yet we all knew how much Dad loved us despite this… But let me give you a few examples.

If you know my family at all, you are aware that my mom, Ethel, is no slouch in the kitchen.  I remember as a young child, I would go the quarter-mile to my Popo and Grandma Schmucker’s (Joe and Amy’s) house, and almost every visit, Grandma Schmucker would be making a batch of her homemade bread. It’s one of my fondest memories of Grandma Schmucker.  When Mom and Dad married, Mom was already a good cook, but she had not yet mastered my Grandmother’s bread-making expertise, but that didn’t keep her from trying.  When I was in elementary school, after my mom had spent several hours mixing the batter, kneading the dough and then allowing it to rise, and then baking some bread for supper, we were sitting at the table and Dad asked one of my brothers to pass the bread, and when it was handed to him, my dad dropped the plate onto the table.  Hard. One of us asked Dad what the matter was, and he said, “Your mom’s homemade bread is so heavy that it almost broke my arm to lift it.”  And then he started laughing, so we knew he was poking fun at my mom for her bread.  BTW, Mom, you’ve proven yourself to be a champion bread maker.

Likewise, my mom LOVED to cook for Dad and to prepare meals for him that he really enjoyed (because let’s face it, he’s a Schmucker, and we ALL LOVE our food) and my mom would ask dad if he liked the taste of something she had prepared, and the typical Dan response would be “It was alright.”  Whoa, Dad.  Easy on those compliments…..  Obviously Mom it was better than just “alright”.  Neither your husband nor your children are lean.  For good reason.

I’ve never been a natural athlete like my dad was, or like most of the Schmuckers have been, but my dad inspired me to try and always do my best. In junior high I was awkward and not particularly coordinated, nor motivated for team sports, but with time and effort and a little encouragement from both my parents, I was able to enjoy some awesome team successes at Nazareth–and a few state championships, too.  I also learned team values (hard work, discipline, persistence), and I made some awesome memories along the way.

Although my parents were not big vacation takers, throughout my growing-up years in Nazareth we did take almost all of our vacations to sporting events.  Beginning in 1976, we loaded up our big Chrysler yellow boat almost every year that either the Swifts or the Swiftettes made it to state.  Those trips were our yearly vacations. We were there at the old Gregory Gym in Austin in 1976, the first year the Swiftettes qualified for state.  We were there in 1977, the first year the Swiftettes WON state.  We were there for the boys’ tournament in 1980, Jeff’s senior year, the first year the Swifts went to state. Looking back, in fact, the Schmucker family made AT LEAST one trip per year to the state basketball tournament from 1976 to 1982, 1984-1986, and then started up again for a short time while Marvin’s girls played basketball for Nazareth until Dad’s stroke in February 2016.  I also remember one trip to Levelland for the girls’ regional semifinal game.  Snow and ice had fallen during the game, and it took us over 4 hours to drive back home to Nazareth from Levelland.  It was a long trip, but so worth it after a big win. Dan Schmucker has always loved sports like that, and I feel sure his sports DNA will be a big part of the legacy he leaves behind.

My dad has never been known to get overly excited.  However, I do recall at least one time when he acted ALMOST excited. The Lubbock Monterey Lady Plainsmen came to our tiny town in 1981 because Coach Lombard thought we needed some larger classification competition before district play started. Although we didn’t win that game, we played them a close game in our beloved home gymnasium that some of the Lady Plainsmen mockingly called a “barn” and when it was over, Superintendent Johnny Mason and my dad, Dan Schmucker, rushed the court to congratulate Coach Lombard and the Swiftettes on such a competitive battle. Although you may think that “rushing the court” was started at some big basketball university like Duke or Kentucky, let it be known that it was actually instigated by Mr. Mason and my dad!

My senior year at Nazareth was the first year that Texas UIL High School track and field events had a 2-mile run and I was fortunate enough that I qualified for the state track meet in this event my senior year, and as I was preparing to run at the Regional Track Meet in Levelland, Dad was having a hard time deciding if it was an event that he needed to experience in person. Although he loved sports, apparently “running long distances” was not his thing.  He asked me:  “For a two-mile run, how many times is it necessary to run around the track?”  I answered him:  “Eight times.”  Dad’s response:  “No shit?  That’s a BUNCH.”  Yes, Dad, it was a bunch.  Although he didn’t watch that race, he rarely missed any other sporting events that I was involved in.

As a college student in Lubbock, it seemed like my car problems were continuous, and one time, dad decided that my college car had finally bit the dust and so he came to Lubbock to take me car shopping.  This was no easy task, because Dad and I didn’t agree on cars that were suited for me.  As we stopped at one lot, Dad insisted that I test drive a car that had a manual transmission.  I told him that I had never driven a stick-shift.  He thought I had driven his farm trucks that had stick-shifts, but I had not….I had brothers for that.  Still, he wanted me to test drive the car with a manual transmission.  So sure enough, we got into the car; Dad gave me a fast lesson on shifting, and we didn’t even make it two blocks away from the dealership when Dad looked at me and said; “Oh HELL no.  Get out.”  Thus I STILL have never driven anything with a manual transmission.  (You’re welcome, Dad.  Obviously I inherited your patience.  Or lack of it.)

Most of our family has accused my dad of having hearing problems.  In reality, however, Dad could hear fairly well.  He probably only had “selective hearing” in that he could hear what he wanted to hear but tuned out everyone and everything else. I can think of numerous times when we were gathered in the kitchen at mealtime in a middle of a conversation and Dad would try to repeat something that he THOUGHT he had heard in an earlier conversation….with one of our faves being Dad asking:  “Who’s coming over?”  I don’t recall what our earlier conversation was really about, but it included nothing about anyone coming over.  It was just Dad’s selective hearing.

My dad was always good about giving people a hard time, especially those he was the most fond of….My poor mom had to deal with it more than most.  As we were graduating from high school and leaving the nest and then graduating from college, people would often ask my parents how and what we were doing, and I recall one time at church that Mom was updating someone on our early adult lives, and apparently the conversation was taking far too long to suit Dad. He returned to the car without her and told the rest of us:  “There she goes, bragging on the kids again.”  Although I know Dad was proud of us, he was certainly not one to ever brag on his kids.

Of all the qualities my dad possessed, however, he was humble and he was kind.  He was kind to everyone he encountered. And he was humble to a fault. But one of my favorite memories of my dad–although it happened during one of the saddest times of my life–was when I was going through my divorce in 2004.  I had just found out that I was going to be single again, with two kids in elementary school, living in Bushland in a house that I would not be able to afford on my own, meaning I would have to sell it and relocate to something I could afford as a single mom.  Again, my dad has never been much of a talker, but when he was consoling me about my separation and divorce, he calmed my fears by telling me: “Of all my kids, you are the last one I ever suspected would be going through a divorce.  But you’ll handle it better than anyone I know.”  Thanks, dad.  I needed to hear that.

My dad’s faith, family, and friendships were the most important things in his life, and he lived his life accordingly.  What an amazing father, teacher, coach, and role model he has been for us!  And a big shoutout to my mom, who not only added years to my dad’s life, but most certainly added LIFE to his years.  As you may know, my dad’s physical health was bad enough that he probably should have been in a nursing home for the last few years.  As tired as his body was, however, he never lost his mental capacity, his quick wit, and his sense of humor….but as you may ALSO know, my dad would NOT have been a happy camper in a nursing home.  My mom has been amazing!  Mom has always been so committed in her care for him, and so stoic as Daddy peacefully crossed the threshold from death to life in Heaven.  She has truly been a ROCK as his caregiver and never complained about the responsibility that was handed to her as his wife and partner.  What an example my parents have been for dedication, commitment, love, marriage, work ethic, and gratitude!  While I have failed to find the kind of love they have experienced in their marriage, I certainly won the lottery with my family.  We are all extremely blessed.  We are so thankful for the memories we have made together.

We thank you for being here to share some of our cherished memories with us!  Also, we thank you for your support of my dad as a county commissioner.  Thank you for coming by to visit with him and mom during and after his numerous hospital visits.  Thank you for giving him extra space on the sidewalk as he entered Naz Stop, the church, and the gym.  Thanks for giving him extra space on the road on the occasions that he drove to town to visit.  He LOVED Nazareth and Castro County!

On behalf of my entire family, we appreciate so much all the prayers, cards, visits, phone calls, and the vast quantities of food and drinks that have been delivered to us during the last week.  All of this has been a wonderful testament of how very much our dad was loved. He would have been overwhelmed.  And almost speechless.

God bless you all.

 

 

 

“Auld Lang Syne” to My VERY GERIatric Year

I’m pretty sure that “Auld Lang Syne” is a New Year’s Eve drinking song intended to pay homage to times gone by (like I care–it’s always been an opportunity to drink, so I’m “in” regardless–as long as I have the energy to stay up till midnight on NYE, that is)…..and life in general, while not perfect, has been pretty darned good to me.  My life is blessed.  So yeah, I’ll drink to that.  Auld Lang Syne.

But 2018–I ain’t gonna miss ya.  And don’t let the door hit ya in the backside on your way out.

For the most part, 2018 was filled with lots of joyous occasions.  My daughter graduated with her bachelor’s degree and decided to pursue a master’s degree; and yes, that warranted a celebration.  (BTW, a celebratory trip to Cabo San Lucas was an awesome idea!  All-inclusive is the ONLY way to go as an overweight, mumu-wearing German who loves to eat and drink!  And I’m quite sure my supermodel-sized daughter who loves pina coladas would agree.)  My son celebrated a work anniversary and got to return to his old stomping grounds to live.  So yes, we celebrated that, too, once we got him moved, cleaned his old digs, and got him settled in again.

Also during the year, I attended weddings galore!  As my kids have aged into their mid-to-late twenties, it seems like most of their former high school and college classmates, teammates, roommates and friends are getting engaged, getting married, having babies….you know, the things you do after you graduate and start “adulting”.  So 2018 was definitely the year for weddings and showers.  Really!  I must have gone to 15-20 showers/weddings during 2018, and they were fun and blessed occasions!  I loved them all!  And when my adult children comment, “Mom, just because you’re invited to fifteen weddings doesn’t mean to have to go to fifteen weddings, so why do you go to them all?”  And my response is:  “My darling (my Schmucker DNA) albeit dumb (their dad’s DNA) children, someday YOU, too, will be engaged and getting married and I would HOPE that someone attends your shower and/or wedding just as I have attended your friends’ showers and weddings.”  And like the smart arses they are, they roll their eyes and walk away. (Okay, maybe that’s the combination of both parents’ DNA.)

Toward the end of 2018 as I was getting ready for yet another Saturday wedding, I had a geriatric moment that evolved into a major medical event for me (relatively speaking, as this healthy German rarely gets physical ailments).  I was putting on my shoes when I felt my lower back muscles stretch and immediately found it impossible to stand, sit, or lie down without experiencing major pain. It was excruciating pain–worse than childbirth (okay, I did have epidurals with each of mine). IT HURT BAD.  And then, two weeks later, when the back pain finally subsided, the pain radiated to my left hamstring, my left ankle, and then my left foot.  IT HURT REALLY BAD. And I couldn’t sleep, and slumber is so very special to me. After an xray showed no obvious damage, the subsequent MRI indicated a bulging lumbar disc.  As it turns out, the bulging disc pinched my sciatic nerve, and now–three months later–I still can’t treadmill without either: 1–making a lot of irritating noise because I drag my numb/weak left foot now, or 2–falling down and making an arse of myself in front of the other uncoordinated fatties at Planet Fitness. In addition to the physical pain from sciatica, I missed THREE Texas Tech home football games and Saturday tailgating opportunities.  OUCH!!! THAT HURT THE MOST!  Homies:  This girl loves to tailgate/watch sports. And I missed THREE Saturdays of that. THAT pain was unbearable. Despite the fact that Texas Tech football had a disappointing year as far as wins and losses go, the tailgating never disappoints. And I missed half the season. PAINFUL.

But you know what? I worked through the pain–and I got through it. And I’m a better person because of it since I’ve come to realize that getting old isn’t for sissies. I’m gonna need to beeeyatch up for this geriatric season of my life. And I’ll admit, my friends and foes alike will tell ya I’m a big enough beeeyatch to get through it.

It’s all about the attitude, right? I’m gonna be the best geriatric ever…

Auld Lang Syne. And cheers to celebrating old age. Let’s remember our friends and family members who were denied the opportunity to grow old!

 

Breakin’ Even — and Breakin’ Through

Today marks a special day in my life.  Today I celebrate my 13th year, 9th month, and 26th day as a single person after having spent 13 years, 9 months, and 26 days as a married person.

Today I’m breakin’ even, and I’ve come a long way in almost fourteen years, baby.

Hebrews 13:5 (NIV):  God says: ….“Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you.”

And you know what?  He didn’t.  Good days. Dark days. In-between days. God sustained me.

Divorce may have deprived me of the financial resources and the lifestyle to which I had become accustomed.  Divorce may have also robbed me of my pride, my confidence, my social circle. At least for a while. But divorce taught me some really good things, too.  Divorce taught me to be content with what I have (and it isn’t much–but it is ENOUGH).  Divorce has taught me that I am stronger than I ever thought I was.  Divorce taught me to be the encourager in a world of cynics. Divorce has taught me to be GRATEFUL: I am grateful for the love of family, for the love of friends, for my boss and my coworkers, for those individuals who reached out to me in some way–even though some of them didn’t even really KNOW me–to express to me their sadness over the break-up of my marriage and my newfound status as a single mother.  I’m appreciative that they provided a shoulder to cry on even though I ugly-cry. (REALLY ugly.)  Many of those same friends never even knew me as anything BUT a single mom…. Those friends are now my tribe.

And you know what else I’m grateful for? I’m grateful for the 13 years and 10 months of marriage that I did have because to me, up until the time it abruptly ended, it was a happy marriage! I didn’t realize at the time that it was so miserable to my now ex-spouse.

I’m grateful for my two adult children.  They are the best darned things to come out of my marriage!  I’m so proud of them.  Thank you, Jesus!

I’m grateful that I’ve realized–FINALLY–that I’m never gonna get that apology I thought I deserved.  Or maybe I will.  But I’m not waitin’ on it.

I’m movin’ on regardless.  I’m breakin’ through.

 

 

 

 

 

It’s finally YOUR turn!

Your college graduation is a mere two weeks away.  Where did the time go?

To my daughter, Bailee–I am soooo very proud of you and all you’ve accomplished during your childhood, your adolescence, and then your years as a college student.

I’ve been a mom for a quarter of century now, and while I’m so very excited about the opportunities that await you as a young adult and college graduate, it’s a bit scarier than I had anticipated.  I spent the first twenty years of motherhood attempting to mold you and your brother into respectable, contributing-to-society adults (obviously I had to try harder with your brother than I did with you!), and now that the time is here for you to officially be on your own, I feel tremendous pride.  But I’m also a little fearful.  Girl, this is new territory for me, too.  Adulting can be so scary.  Even when you’re an OLD adult.

Regardless of my own apprehension, here are some of the things I hope you have learned during your college years:

If you don’t already love yourself, learn to love yourself NOW.  You have too many wonderful qualities to stress about the ones you may feel you lack.  Every day, work on improving yourself.  Baby steps. And while NONE of us will ever be perfect, we are still PRETTY DARNED AWESOME.  You. GIRL.  You’re awesome ALREADY.

You were born to royalty.  You are the child of a KING.  And the King loves you.  Always.  No matter what.

Your mother loves you, too.  ALWAYS. No matter what. I have always and will always have your back.

Don’t let anyone (man/woman/friend/coworker) repeatedly disrespect you.  You are smart; you are beautiful; you are a child of God.  Don’t disrespect others, either.  You can be honest and sincere without being disrespectful.  (HOWEVER, if an “old” — as in my age….ha! — man ogles you and then gropes you in public, that IS disrespectful AND perverted on his part.  Call him out on it. Embarrass him in public. Most of all, remove yourself from that situation A.S.A.P.  I’m proud that you’re mine when you react as I would…minus the kick to the groin and the profanity…)

Be kind.  If you have NOTHING ELSE to offer, offer a smile or a handshake.  A little kindness goes a looooooong way.

The only person responsible for your happiness is you.  Sometimes finding real joy requires stepping outside your comfort zone. — Be brave enough to do it anyway.

Life is short.  Don’t settle.  Always expect the very best that life has to offer.

Don’t expect to be successful in “saving” someone who doesn’t really want to be saved.  (For example, PJP.)  You’ll just lose a part of yourself temporarily.  The best parts.

Be nice and respectful to your parents/your grandparents/your family members.  Be nice and respectful to your family members even when they don’t deserve it….  But again, don’t tolerate disrespect. Remove yourself from the situation instead.

When the time comes: Marriage is a covenant and your spouse will be the best thing that ever happens to you IF YOU MAKE THE EFFORT TO MAKE IT WORK.  Again, NONE of us will ever be perfect.  A successful marriage is intense work. But commit to becoming a better spouse every single day of your marriage. Commitment is like that.  Nothing of great value ever comes easy.

On the other hand, never be afraid to be alone.  There’s a huge difference between being lonely and being alone.  Solitude can be a wonderful, liberating thing.

Exude gratitude.  I want you to have many days when you fall in love with simply being alive.  Every day that we are alive is indeed a blessing.

Surround yourself with people who inspire you and want ONLY the best for you.  REAL friends will be among your greatest blessings.  Value and cultivate those friendships.

Find your passion and do that as much and as often as you can.

Become a dependable and efficient employee.  (“Hard work never hurt anyone,” Grandma Drerup always said when she was alive. And she was as SMART as she was hardworking.)  Hard work is cathartic for the soul–and cardio for your heart.

Volunteerism is UNDERRATED. (It can be highly social, too.) Do it often.  Do it well.

Financial stress is inevitable during some periods of your life.  Just do the absolute best with what you do have, even if it’s a pittance by your standards. Pray for guidance in making good fiscal decisions for yourself and your family. In good times and in bad.

There will be times when you feel young and energetic and excited about what God has in store for you.  There will be other times when you are stressed out and anxious because you are unsure about what He is trying to reveal to you.  Don’t look to social media to answer your questions; Instagram or Twitter or SnapChat won’t be of help to you.  Instead, look to Jesus.  And be patient with His timing.  And while you’re waiting on His divine wisdom, aspire to become a better person.  Become the type of friend that you’d like to have.

In short, this is what I hope you have learned through the years:  Have faith in God. Be committed in marriage. Remain dedicated to your family.  Exhibit an awesome work ethic. Be patient. Be kind. Be a reliable and consistent friend. Have integrity in employment, in your relationships, and in your finances. Enjoy the day-to-day successes while making long-term memories.  Don’t be so hard on yourself in your temporary setbacks, and be a blessing to others as much as possible. As should be the Red Raider way, STRIVE FOR HONOR. EVERMORE.

As you start your real adult life and proceed from this point, here are the things I hope you’ll always remember about me, your mother:

Becoming a divorced single parent was not the life I chose; nor would I choose it for anyone I love; nevertheless, I hope I was able to be the very best single parent that I was capable of being.  I know I made mistakes; yes, I have some regrets; and I know I was hard on you and Carson, but I did the very best I could while my heart was breaking.  I was simply trying to manage.

While I couldn’t contribute as much FINANCIALLY as your dad could after our divorce, I would hope you’ve realized that my blood, sweat, and tears for you and your brother were just as valuable as the monetary contributions.  And while I didn’t win the award for Parent of the Year (and I cannot lie; that hurt, too), I had your back the entire time and kept your best interests at heart. Every class assignment for which you requested help. Every class registration. Every college application. Every re-worked resume. Every job application and cover letter. Every successful and every failed relationship. I had your best interests at heart.  Every time I told you “NO” when you wanted my “YES”, I wanted only what was best for YOU.

The deepest lessons I’ve learned were learned during the deserts of my life.  I did things I shouldn’t have done. I said things I shouldn’t have said. I’m sorry.  But I learned a lot… Divorce taught me that when things didn’t work out as I had planned for them to work out, that I could muster the courage to start over.  It took the collaboration of my family, my kids, my friends, and mostly our Father in Heaven, but I learned to start over.

I hope you see now that it took tremendous courage for me to be single and to stay single when every childhood dream of mine included a blissful marriage and fulfilling employment and beautiful, intelligent, and loving children.  I had to create a new version of myself after my marriage failed.  And I LOVE the new single version of myself better than I ever thought I would.

Since 2018 is my “break-even” year (I have now been divorced from your dad as long as I was married to him), I have had a tremendous revelation:  I consider my greatest success in my life to be MY KIDS.  You really ARE my joy. Every single day.

I am so proud of who you’ve become.

Today I look back on these past few years with the best of memories….though those same years started with the absolute worst years of my life.  My heart was still aching from your decision during your senior year of high school to live with your dad.  You have NO IDEA how much your decision hurt me.  It hurt ALMOST as much as the rejection of adultery and divorce.   At the time, your desire to live with your dad made me doubt my capabilities as a mother.  I was MAD at myself for allowing you to do it…. At the time, anyway.

In hindsight, however, I think your decision to live with your dad was the absolute BEST thing that could have happened to you, to me, and to your dad.  Although my brain was telling me that you were doing it for financial reasons, that didn’t keep me from resenting your decision.  At the time, anyway.  But today I see that my daughter learned to be free-thinking and independent in the years since she left my home.  Today I see that my daughter learned to stand up for herself.  Today I see that my daughter is a lot LIKE ME…not only who I used to be, but who I am now.

Bailee, I want you to have a good life.  I want you to have a life you LOVE and the life you’ve always dreamed of.  But I also want you to know that if things don’t work out as planned, don’t quit.  Simply begin again.  Repeat as necessary.  Have faith in God and you will be fearless.  Like me.

Wreck ’em.

 

The Rules of Life as I’ve Observed Them (in no particular order, BTW)

• When it seems that all the world is crazy, remember that God still sits on the throne. He is large and in charge.
• Never piss off an overweight German. (Oh–Did I mention I might be German?)
• Don’t go to Hobby Lobby between Halloween and New Year’s expecting fast and efficient service.  Better yet, don’t go at all between those times. You’ll be a happier person.
• Don’t be a martyr trying to save someone who doesn’t want to be saved.  You’ll just end up losing yourself.
• Kindness is still free, so sprinkle that shit everywhere. Even if you don’t like them, be kind anyway.
• When you can’t figure out why someone acts the way they do, just remember that not everyone was raised how you and I were raised.
• If someone “can’t find the time” to spend time with you, they aren’t trying very hard to spend time with you. Find someone else who will make the time to spend with you.
• If you date someone who avoids their own domestic chores at all costs, and you expect him/her to change if/when you marry them, you’d better enjoy doing those domestic duties all by yourself. Or have enough money to hire it done.
• Life is short. Live a good life while making wonderful memories so that when you die, the memories that others have of you will be good ones.
• ALWAYS be nice to your parents. One day you’ll expect similar treatment from your own children.
• Don’t trust a fart if you have–or feel like you MAY have–diarrhea.  Just.don’t. (Merely an observation.)
• The only person responsible for your happiness is YOU.
• Don’t be afraid to be single and to stay single.  We should all rather be with NO ONE than be with the WRONG ONE. Remain confident that God intends some people to stay single!
• If you ask for someone’s opinion, allow them to give it.  But after they’ve given their opinion and you disagree with THEIR opinion or you think THEIR opinion was “too harsh”, don’t be an idiot by expecting them to ever give their honest opinion to you again.  Duh.
• People will change. Relationships will fail. Financial stress will happen. Physical well-being will diminish. Employment will become monotonous…..  Someday you’ll want to quit.  But faith in God and in His timing should NEVER cease. He’s there for you. Always. Call on Him. He’d like that.
• Choose to be educated rather than opinionated. There’s a difference.  BIG difference.
• Even when you’d like NOT to go, get up. Dress up. Show up. – Work. Meetings. Weddings. Funerals.
• Never EVER be afraid of starting over.  Repeat as necessary.
• Be nice to the pizza delivery man. Be nice to the custodian. Be especially nice to the bartender who prepares your drinks while listening to your stories – he/she may have to call your Uber. Or the cops. He/she gets to choose.
• Life will never be fair, but it’s still pretty damned good anyway.

 

“Congrats!” are in order. Or are they?

So–my X got married last weekend.

After 13 years as a divorced person, I thought I had most things figured out. Like how to re-string the weed-eater.  How to change the filter and the spark plug in the Toro mower.  How to sell and buy a house in a crisis situation (divorce does that, y’all).  How to transfer your Visa credit card debt to Mastercard with a lower rate of interest (life does that and divorce exacerbates that, y’all). How to argue with health insurance about their coverage of an accidental injury (thanks, dodgeball and C-Barb).  You catch my drift…..  Anyway, I’m confident I still have things figured out.  I’m mature and fairly intelligent, right?  So like, am I supposed to be upset about my X’s remarriage?  Am I supposed to be grieving?  Mad?  Tearful?  Regretful?

Well.  I’m not.  Not one freakin’ iota.  (“Iota” was one of my Grandma Drerup’s favorite words, and the older I get, the more I act like her.  Grandma D would NEVER say “freakin'” though.  That’s totally MY adjective and I own it.)  It’s ’bout time the X found someone who wants to be with him the way I once wanted to be with him.  And I say once because I can assure you I no longer desire to be with him.  Plus, I know where his “thing” has been since our marriage and subsequent divorce, and there’s NO way I wanna be a part of that now.  His new wife–if she’s concerned about her health–may need a vagina transplant before she’s Medicare-eligible.

Now–I’ll admit that throughout my 54 years of life I have been far from perfect as a spouse, as an employee, as a child to my parents, as a mother, as a friend.  Some of my most imperfect moments have been out of anger or loneliness or fear.  Mostly fear.  I did some really bad things, y’all.  I still have moments, even days, of complete and utter failure.  However, I was NOT the spouse who decided to commit adultery and ruin a marriage, break up a family, and destroy reputations.  He gets to own that.  4-ever.

Honestly, my X is a much better person now than he was when we divorced.  (However, he’s still not the ethical and kind person and friend that I married.  He changed A LOT during our 14 years together.  I did, too.  Satan had far too much control.  Lesson learned!)  He’s become a better and more-involved parent.  He has an improved understanding of how much kids really cost since my daughter decided as a senior in high school to live with her dad.  (Instead of griping about paying child support, X learned that money for kids doesn’t go nearly as far as he thought.  And as painful as my daughter’s decision was for me to accept, it was a lesson he would’ve never learned if she hadn’t decided to live with him.)  My X is also a much NICER person to me when he’s in a relationship.  I would venture to guess that “nicer” applies to everyone he encounters and not just me, too.  Single is NOT his forte.  He really NEEDS to be in a relationship to be happy.  TRUTH.

Perhaps as you read this, you’re thinking:  “Wow.  She really needs to forgive him and quit being so bitter.”  My response to you would be that I HAVE forgiven him (finally!), but I will never forget the tough life lessons that infidelity and divorce have taught me.  “Trust, but verify.”  Hey–the School of Hard Knocks rendered me their valedictorian.

In all fairness, I REALLY do enjoy my life now.  My adult children make me very proud to be their mother. Seriously, it was soooooo difficult to love them and support them and raise them when my heart was literally broken in two.  But they have inspired me with their successes in school/college, in relationships, in LIFE.  But I also want them to know that FAITH in God and His timing, COMMITMENT in marriage, DEDICATION to family, WORK ETHIC in employment, and yes, FORGIVENESS for those who have wronged them: these things are all important!  If I have taught them nothing else, I hope I have taught them this.

So here we are. Thirteen years after I filed for divorce from him and after his countless relationships, ten moves, six vehicles and four jobs later (yep; I counted them all), the X is madly in love with and now married to someone who will make his world a better place.  Been there, done that.  Ain’t going back.  But no, I won’t be congratulating him on his recent marriage.  And I won’t be congratulating him on the next one, either.

 

 

 

 

RIP, Uncle Gene

My sweet Uncle Gene has died.

Most of you who know me well know that I HATE to get up in front of people for an impromptu speech. I’m not much of a speaker. I like to TALK, but not necessarily speak. And really it’s not a good idea–EVER–to put me in front of a microphone, especially in a church, without a script, because I have a tendency to cuss. (Sometimes.) Last night at the vigil service for Gene’s memorial, we were called to share at church, but for reasons above (^^^), I didn’t share. Nevertheless, I do like to WRITE, and last night I started to put a few things about my family/death/dying into perspective.

My paternal grandparents, Joe and Amy Schmucker (still “Popo and Grandma” to me) lived simply and lived well, and while I miss them, their lives were full. Their natural deaths after long lives were relatively easy to accept. They were in their 90’s after all…

When my uncle, Jim Schmucker, a Vietnam veteran, finally succumbed to cancer five years ago, again it wasn’t a surprise….in fact, death came somewhat as a relief because we had watched him suffer as a quiet warrior for a long time. He was ready to be pain-free and to meet his maker. We still miss him, however…

Then, when my aunt, Bea (Schmucker) Hoelting passed away, again we were somewhat comforted to know she died quietly after a long, contentious battle with Alzheimer’s….. I know that heaven is a much better home for her, although we do miss her, too.  But at least she isn’t battling that dreadful disease anymore.

When my Uncle Gene suddenly passed away earlier this week, it startled me. It shook me, really, maybe because his passing at the relatively young age of 65 with only a few health issues was a wake-up call to me that tomorrows are NOT guaranteed–although my oblivious self may often assume that tomorrow will always come around…

So tomorrow we bury another Schmucker, another of my dad’s younger siblings. Gene was too young still, but I am grateful for the role model he was to me.

These are the things I remember about my Uncle Gene:

He worked hard.

He LOVED hard.

He was humble.

He fiercely protected and honored his family.

He wasn’t much of a talker–maybe because IF Michele Schmucker (his wife) and Mary Lou Schmucker (his sister-in-law; and both of them being my aunts) sat together at family reunions, NO ONE else really had a chance to talk–but daaaaang, Gene was an awesome listener.

Gene had a very soft-spoken and dry sense of humor–maybe that’s a Schmucker thing.

He LOVED sports. Maybe that’s a Schmucker thing, too.

He also loved his Texas A&M Aggies–but we blame the Wilhelms for that personality trait. (Wreck ‘Em!)

He took great pride in each of his children’s successes–grandchildren too–and he was saddened and prayed about each of their setbacks as well.

I will miss him; however, I find tremendous comfort in knowing that I have another “Schmucker angel” in heaven to intercede on my behalf. Perhaps some of you don’t need as much heavenly intervention as I do, but I find solace in knowing that my uncle “has my back” even in heaven.

Gene was devoted to his family, but he didn’t accumulate great wealth or notoriety in doing so. He lived modestly and simply; yet he lived well. His life was full. His greatest blessings were his family, and I believe we’d all be better and wiser people to be more like him. After all, in the end, it’s not the years in your life that count; it’s the LIFE in your years.

I am a better person to have known him, and I miss him already.

Rest In Peace, sweet uncle of mine.

Thy Will Be Done

“Still single?”

Yes, I am. Don’t rub it in.

I try not to get discouraged.  I really do.  But let’s face it, God probably isn’t going to give me someone if I’m not PRAYING that He gives me someone, and I haven’t been faithful about praying for a partner.

Do I NEED a partner?  By this time, I’ve become accustomed to being alone, and I’ll tell ya, it’s not so bad.  I don’t have to tell anyone where I’m going, how long I’m stayin’, when I’ll be back, and other than the dog needing to eat every now and then, I’m not accountable to anyone/anything.  If I don’t wanna cook, or if I want pizza for breakfast, or if I wanna mix the colors and prints with the whites in my 26-year-old Maytag washer, then I can.  I.CAN. That’s what I enjoy the most about “empty nest” and being single.

You can accuse me of being selfish, and maybe I am.  But I didn’t have the luxury of being selfish when my kids were at home.  We had school, Scouts, sports, church, movies, StuCo, FCA, birthday parties, family reunions, meetings . . .  and it was usually MY responsibility to get them there.  I don’t regret how busy we were in those days, and it was my choice to do so.  But now it’s also my choice to be alone. And MOST of the time, I like it.

I’ve had a couple of serious relationships since my divorce in 2004, and for one reason or another, those relationships just didn’t quite work out.  Maybe I was too busy with my kids; maybe I was attracted to men who couldn’t (or just wouldn’t) commit; maybe I was too independent, too bitter, or too unattractive to keep a man; perhaps my professional and financial obligations scared the men away.  Regardless, I’m still single.  And while some of my happily married friends lament my single status, I’m not so sure I agree with them.

I married in 1990. Had kids in 1993 and 1996. Commuted 100 miles a day for 2 years while I continued to be a wife, a mother, a volunteer at church and at school, and a committed employee.  I divorced in 2004 while I continued to be a mother, a volunteer at church and at school and in my community, and I was STILL a committed employee for my bosses.  My children graduated high school in 2011 and in 2014. My oldest became a college graduate in 2016 and I expect to have another college graduate in 2018.  I’ve been busy. I haven’t had a lot of TIME to be lonely.

As my parents have gotten older, they’ve become less healthy. I’ve been blessed, though.  I still have both parents with me despite some health scares from my dad.  Since Christmas of 2015, my dad has suffered a heart attack, a mini stroke, had a pacemaker inserted, and two days after his pacemaker procedure, he suffered a major stroke.  He’s been to cardiologists, neurologists, physical therapists, occupational therapists, and he’s still going to a speech therapist.  My parents have been married for 56 years, and although I know it couldn’t have been easy, I’m sure they would say their marriage has been WORTH it, and my mom has been an excellent caregiver for my dad. But no matter how much they love each other, SOMETIMES you just need a break from each other and sometimes you need someone to run a little interference. Time alone can be good for the soul.

What I’m sayin’ is that perhaps being single isn’t for everyone, but I THANK GOD that it hasn’t worked out with anyone for me just yet. The fact that I’m not in a committed relationship with anyone means that I can spend some quality time with my aging parents and I don’t have to worry about neglecting “my significant other”.  Because there isn’t one.

THY.WILL.BE.DONE.  BTW, God’s will is NOT the path we walk, but rather how we walk the path.  Sometimes we all need that gentle reminder. Walk your path with integrity.

“Yep . . .  Still single.”  And I WILL make the most of this time alone.